Kelly identifies four major areas of difficulty, any of which can get between you and your partner. The key is knowledge: Once you’re aware of the challenges, you can address them. Do any of these issues sound familiar?
Difficulty Being Present and Staying Present
“Perhaps the biggest problem is the ADHD partner who seems to be here today and gone tomorrow,” explains Kelly. “ADHD symptoms are erratic. The person with ADHD may be extremely distractible in the morning, for example, and relatively focused an hour or two later. “This can be very difficult for a partner. Their loved one is loving and connected with them in one moment, and gone ‘somewhere else’ in the next. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to the disconnects.”
Touchy Touchability
Kelly notes that many people with ADHD also have problems with sensory integration. “In short, this means that the mechanisms that filter sensory input are faulty. Lights may be too bright, sounds too loud, and touch may feel irritating or annoying,” explains Kelly. “As you might imagine, this can create difficulties between partners when the ADHD person resists being touched.” Recent research hints at difficulty differentiating between the self and others when it comes to tactile stimulation—the sense of touch—in people with ADHD. This ability to separate the two is key in social situations and could be one of the reasons for this sensitivity.
Forgetting Things
ADHD interferes with memory. Kelly acknowledges that the process of remembering is rather complicated but identifies the main problem with ADHD and memory: getting info into the memory banks in the first place. “The first stage of memory is attending to the piece of information to be remembered,” says Kelly. “If your attention is weak, that bit of information may never make it into the brain.” This can affect relationships in a few ways. For example, a person with ADHD can have problems remembering significant dates, tasks, and other info that might be important to the other person.
A Short Fuse
It’s not uncommon for someone with ADHD to have a quick temper. “Many people with ADHD have a short fuse,” explains Kelly. “Their temper is activated quickly and easily. The partner of the person with ADHD is often bewildered, as the angry outburst seems to come out of nowhere.”
