This article explores how expectations can lead to feelings of disappointment when reality does not measure up. It also covers some of the strategies you can use to manage your expectations.
What Are Expectations?
Expectations refer to the beliefs that you hold about the outcomes of events. While these expectations can play an important role in determining what happens and can contribute to goal-directed behavior, they can also lead to disappointment when reality does not match up to what you had hoped would happen. Some of the common signs that you might hold expectations include:
Anticipating a certain outcomeHolding a vision in your mind of how things will play outHaving a set idea of what you want or need from a situation
In some cases, people might become so attached to their expectations that they are unable to see the reality of a situation. This can prevent them from taking action or making decisions that would be in their best interest. Research shows that people are surprisingly inept at predicting how they will feel in various situations. For example, one study found that newlywed couples tended to estimate that their happiness levels would rise (or at least stay the same) over the four-year period after marriage. In reality, their levels of happiness tended to diminish over that time period.
The Expectations vs. Reality Trap
The Charles Dickens novel “Great Expectations” lays out the problem with expectations. The main character, Pip, inherits money from a secret benefactor. He views this fortune as a stepping stone to marrying the girl of his dreams. When he ultimately learns that the money was not necessarily part of that larger plan, he realizes that he had taken for granted so many important relationships and gifts in his life. His expectations had robbed him of fully appreciating his reality.
Expectations Can Reduce Gratitude
When your expectations outpace reality, it often means you don’t appreciate what you do have. Instead, you may find yourself expecting more or comparing what you do have to what you could have. For example, one study found that participants who were exposed to a subliminal reminder of wealth spent less time savoring a chocolate bar and exhibited less enjoyment of the experience than other subjects who weren’t reminded of wealth.
Expectations May Not Be Realistic
Finally, your expectations can get the better of you when you expect more than what is realistic in a given situation. You might expect your partner to live up to what you see in romance films, your job to be an idealized version you dreamed about as a child, or even your life to match what you see on Instagram. Expectations can create significant stress when they don’t match up with reality. Also, consider how social media can greatly contribute to this. You compare our own worst moments (those not deemed to be shareable online) to others’ best moments, which very often are filtered to seem perfect. You may not even realize this mismatched comparison. This may be part of why those who spend more time on social media tend to be less happy.
How to Manage Expectations
Learning how to manage your expectation can be helpful when you are trying to avoid the expectations vs. reality trap. It’s important to take a deeper look into how your expectations stack up to reality (and how your mood is affected because of this).
Become Aware of Your Expectations
Start by assessing your expectations in a situation. If you’d like to get out of the expectations vs. reality trap, it all comes down to awareness. Becoming aware of what you are expecting is a great start. Becoming aware of what you “should” be expecting is also a wise idea.
When you go into a new situation, ask yourself what you expect to happen. Ask yourself if your expectations should be this way. Where did these expectations come from and are they realistic?When you feel disappointed, try to think about whether it was realistic to expect what you were hoping for. (If so, make a plan for getting what you want next time. If not, think about how you could manage your expectations.)
Practice Gratitude
When you find that what is happening is not what you expected, actively look for the positives in what you have. You may find that once you get over the disappointment, you have something you didn’t initially realize you wanted. This helps you to be more appreciative of what you have.
Don’t Make Comparisons
When you see others’ posts on social media and decide that you want what you see, remind yourself that this may not be reality. It’s great to know what direction you want things to go in, but don’t forget that what you see isn’t necessarily what others are actually living.
Consider What Really Makes You Happy
You may be overestimating how happy you would be once you have what you think you want. For instance, if you work a job you hate to save enough to buy an expensive car or nice clothes, you may find that your happiness is not very long-lasting.
Practice Emotional Acceptance
Don’t beat yourself up for feeling disappointed. Instead of trying to deny or suppress negative emotions like disappointment or jealousy, work on accepting these emotions as they are. However, try comparing yourself to others who have less, not more. Or better yet, try not to compare yourself to others in general. The only person you should be competing with is you.
A Word From Verywell
Ultimately, striving for more can lead you to work your hardest and do your best. At the same time, it can also rob you of joy, especially when you expect things to come more easily than they do or in a different way. Becoming more aware of your expectations and how they change your feelings toward your own reality can free you from disappointment and stress that comes from unrealistic expectations. Discussing what you both want is important and gives you a place to start negotiating and compromising on expectations. Finally, remember to be flexible and willing to adapt as your relationship (and your expectations) evolve. If you find that your expectations are not being met, it is important to take a step back and assess the situation. Try to understand why it happened and what you can do differently in the future. Remember that expectations are just beliefs—they are not always reality.
