This article discusses some of the common characteristics of unhealthy relationships and how to recognize if you are in one. It also covers steps you can take to make your relationship healthier and when to seek professional help.
Common Characteristics of Unhealthy Relationships
Every relationship is different and may change over time. There are some important qualities that tend to characterize unhealthy relationships. Relationships that are marked by these dynamics and problems tend to contribute to more tension, conflict, and stress. This can apply to romantic relationships, but other types of relationships can be affected by unhealthy patterns as well, including your relationships with family members, friends, and coworkers.
Control
In unhealthy relationships, one person may try to control the other person’s life. This may be done through intimidation, but it can also involve other types of manipulation. Sometimes the person may engage in behaviors that seem extremely affectionate and loving. In reality, these actions are designed to keep tabs on the other individual and prevent them from doing things or going places where they are outside of the other person’s control. Control may also take the form of possessiveness and jealousy. While both of these are normal human emotions that people may experience from time to time, they are unhealthy when someone is trying to control what you do, when they lash out at you when they become upset, or when they accuse you of infidelity.
Lack of Trust
Unhealthy relationships are often marked by a lack of trust. You might feel like you have to hide things from your partner, or you might often feel like they are hiding things from you. In order to develop healthy trust, both people in a relationship have to engage in mutual, reciprocal self-disclosure. This involves revealing things about yourself over time as the relationship deepens and grows. The process of sharing and listening contributes to feelings of emotional intimacy and closeness. But if you feel like you cannot trust the other person with your innermost feelings, you’re not likely to tell them your feeling, thoughts, or memories. How trusting you and your partner are may be shaped, in part, by your overall attachment style. These patterns of behavior are often established in childhood based on interactions and experiences with caregivers, but they continue to shape how you respond in romantic relationships in adulthood. If you have a history of not being able to depend on the people you should be able to trust the most, you may find it difficult to trust your romantic partners.
Disrespect
Disrespect can take a variety of forms in unhealthy relationships. Sometimes it might mean someone being dismissive of the other person. In other cases, it can involve outright ridiculing or making fun of the opinions or interests of the other person. This disrespect can often feel like rejection, which can lead to a range of emotions including hurt feelings, shame, guilt, loneliness, embarrassment, and social anxiety.
Poor Communication
Good communication is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Unhealthy relationships are often marked by patterns of ineffective communication. This might involve not talking about problems, avoiding difficult issues, expecting the other person to be a mind reader, not listening, getting defensive, or stonewalling in order to avoid confronting problems in the relationship. Communication style has been shown to be a key predictor of divorce and has more of an impact than commitment, stress, and personality when it comes to marital success.
Signs You’re In an Unhealthy Relationship
Relationships often grow, change, shift, and sometimes fall apart over time. A relationship might be mostly healthy when things are going well, but the addition of stressors can create strain. People may respond by falling back on unhealthy coping mechanisms or by engaging in behaviors that are ultimately harmful to the health of their relationships. Unhealthy relationships are often characterized by:
Betrayal Blame Bullying Control Disrespect Dishonesty Drama Emotional abuse Fear Financial dishonesty or abuse Gaslighting Guilt Hostility Intimidation Isolation Jealousy Loneliness Negativity Physical abuse Poor communication Ridicule Stress Unhappiness Verbal abuse
In an unhealthy relationship, you might feel like you always have to walk on eggshells around the other person. Or you might feel like you always have to hide what you really think or feel. You might even feel like you have to give up the things that you really want in order to keep the other person happy. Another sign of an unhealthy relationship is the feeling that things are imbalanced. One-sided relationships are those in which one person invests more effort, energy, and emotion in maintaining the relationship. Such relationships can be unhealthy and often leave the person who is doing all the work feeling unsupported, isolated, and drained. Sometimes unhealthy behaviors can emerge during times of extreme stress. In other cases, persistent patterns of unhealthy behaviors may worsen over time or emerge during different stages of a relationship. In some cases, these issues can be addressed using self-help strategies or with the help of a mental health professional. But if your relationship is affected by abuse, whether it is physical, verbal, or sexual, your primary concern should be to ensure your safety.
How to Change an Unhealthy Relationship
The social connection and support that relationships provide are essential for both physical and emotional health. Studies have found that healthy relationships can affect your life in positive ways, including lowering your risk of dying and protecting you from loneliness and isolation. Because good relationships are so essential for your well-being, it is essential to take steps to protect yourself from those that have the potential to damage your health. If you believe that you are in an unhealthy relationship, it is important to take steps to fix the problem.
Decide if the Relationship Is Fixable
The first step is to decide whether or not the unhealthy relationship can be repaired. In order to heal the damage and move forward in a way that is healthy for both people involved, it is necessary to make sure that both parties are willing to participate in making the relationship work. When one person is unwilling to change their unhealthy behavior, the relationship is likely not savable.
Maintain Interdependence
Healthy relationships encourage interdependence instead of codependence. People who are interdependent understand the benefits of being able to turn to their partner when they need support, and they recognize the value and importance of supporting their partner. At the same time, they are able to maintain their own sense of self outside of their partner and their relationship with one another. When both people in a relationship strive for interdependence, they are able to strike a balance where they are able to offer emotional intimacy and support their partner’s needs while not becoming dependent on the other person.
Build a Healthy Connection
Building a healthy connection with the other person is a key step toward overcoming an unhealthy relationship. Once you’ve recognized the unhealthy or toxic patterns that have been detrimental to your relationship, it is important to work together to overcome them and build a healthier, more supportive connection, you can do this by taking the following steps. Other strategies that can help:
Maintain healthy boundariesHave personal goals and continue pursuing themAvoid minimizing yourself to please other peopleFocus on being your authentic selfSpend time learning about what you like and what’s important to youExpect others to treat you with respect and show respect for themMaintain your relationships with other people outside of the relationship
When to Seek Help
There are things that you can do on your own to strengthen your relationship, but sometimes you might benefit from reaching out to a mental health professional for help. A therapist can also help in cases where people have different expectations of what they hope to get out of a relationship. For example, in unhealthy one-sided relationships, one person might be carrying more of the work because they are more committed while the other person is less invested. A mental health professional can also help couples work on unhealthy communication skills that can be creating toxicity and conflict in the relationship. A therapist can also help each person develop and practice skills that can help them deal with conflict more effectively. Avoiding conflict is not possible or even advisable—even healthy relationships experience disagreement and conflict. The key is knowing how to handle it effectively. When handled well, it allows people to address problems and make changes that are ultimately good for the health of the relationship.
When to End an Unhealthy Relationship
Not every relationship is worth saving. If you’ve done your part but the other person is not willing to change or help, it may be time to walk away and invest your effort in healthier, more supportive relationships with other people. If the other person has no interest in changing or if the situation involves abuse in any form, ending the relationship is often the best way to protect your well-being.
A Word From Verywell
All relationships are different and not one of them is perfect 100% of the time. Everyone has days where they feel irritable, short-tempered, or exhausted, and it is understandable that those feelings sometimes spill over into their relationships. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database. But it is important to remind yourself that you deserve to have a relationship where you feel healthy, supported, and happy. You deserve to have relationships with people who support you and your interests. If you suspect that you might be involved in an unhealthy relationship, spend some time considering the impact it has on your life, whether these issues can be fixed, and whether it might be time to end the relationship.
