However, like any trait, independence can be dangerous when taken to an extreme. Everyone encounters challenges that they cannot tackle on their own, and everyone has needs that they cannot meet without some support.
What Is Hyper-Independence?
When someone’s need to be independent goes to an unhealthy extreme, this is hyper-independence. An individual who is hyper-independent will avoid asking for help or support even when this is detrimental. Hyper-independence can be a trauma response.
Signs of Hyper-Independence
Although hyper-independence can manifest differently depending on the individual, signs of hyper-independence can include:
Over-achieving: People who are hyper-independent may over-commit to work or personal projects to the point that they are unable to manage the load themselves. Refusing to delegate or ask for help: Hyper-independent people will struggle to ask others to help them when they are overwhelmed, or they will be unable to pass tasks on to someone else. Guardedness in relationships: Close relationships are interdependent by nature, and a person who is hyper-independent will struggle to let their walls down and let the other person in. Secretiveness: Those who are hyper-independent will often keep to themselves or be reluctant to share personal information that could be used against them. Mistrust of other people: Sometimes, a person is hyper-independent because they worry that others will let them down or betray their trust. Few close or long-term relationships: Because they are unable to open up to other people, it can be difficult for hyper-independent people to form and maintain friendships and romantic relationships. Stress or burnout: Because hyper-independent people struggle with delegating or asking for help when they need it, they often take on more than they can handle, leading to heightened stress or even burnout symptoms. Dislike of “neediness”: In addition to not wanting to rely on others, people who are hyper-independent may resent or resist others relying on them.
Trauma Responses
When a person experiences a disturbing, distressing, or life-threatening event that they are unable to cope with in a healthy way, this event is considered traumatic. Traumatic events can be single experiences, like a car accident or natural disaster, or they can be chronic and ongoing. When someone experiences trauma, their brain can enter “survival mode.” This means that they choose behaviors based on what will keep them safest in the moment. Because our brains are wired to keep us safe and alive, we tend to hold onto survival mode long after the traumatic event has passed, even if it is no longer adaptive or helpful to do so. In fact, we are so good at surviving traumatic events that our genetic expression can change in response to trauma, passing the trauma response down to our offspring through intergenerational trauma.
Why Is Hyper-Independence a Trauma Response?
Hyper-independence can develop in response to trauma for various reasons. Not everyone who experiences a trauma will have the same trauma responses, and in fact, some people begin to believe that they are incapable of independence as a result of their trauma.
Feeling Undeserving of Social Support
Trauma survivors who experience hyper-independence may believe that they do not deserve support or help from other people. They might have been told that it is not acceptable to need help or receive support, and so they become hyper-independent to avoid having that need.
Past Neglect
Some people’s trauma includes going through periods when their needs were not met, and so they can develop hyper-independent tendencies in an effort to survive. The neglect they experienced taught them that they can only rely on themselves. They might believe that others cannot or will not help them, and so there is no point in seeking help or support from others.
Mistrust of Others
Hyper-independence can also emerge from reluctance to trust others. The trauma survivor might have experienced abuse by their caregivers. This can lead to feeling unsafe asking for help, as they could pair the concept of relying on another person with that person abusing them.
Coping Mechanism
Sometimes, hyper-independence can be a way of coping with uncertainty. Many trauma survivors experience a loss of control as part of their trauma, and hyper-independence might be a way that they seek to regain a sense of control over their environment.
Treatment for Hyper-Independence
Hyper-independence is an extreme form of independence that can lead to both personal and relational issues. The hyper-independent person can run into trouble when they are unable to meet a need without help but remain unable to seek support. They also often struggle with interpersonal relationships due to their mistrust of others. A person experiencing hyper-independence can work on healthy relationships, trust, and honoring their own limitations in therapy. Because hyper-independence is a trauma response, trauma-informed care is an important component of this treatment.
Coping With Hyper-Independence
An important thing to remember about any trauma response is that it is a way to survive and cope in a stressful and unfair situation. While hyper-independence can cause problems, it likely helped you survive a traumatic situation if you developed this response. You can acknowledge how this response helped you at the time while working to let go of behavior that no longer serves you. Finally, know that support is available. Therapy can go at a pace that you are comfortable with, and there is no deadline by which you have to get better. Take your time finding a provider who is a good fit, and know that you can let go of the maladaptive coping patterns that helped you survive your past.
