Just like other medical conditions, a mental health condition isn’t something you should have to hide. Disclosure helps promote honesty, transparency, and communication in the relationship, and prevents misunderstandings and unnecessary tensions, says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist. While the prospect of telling your partner about your condition can be daunting, it could help deepen the understanding, compassion, and care between you. Besides, withholding information about yourself that can have a direct impact on the relationship is not fair to your partner, according to de Llano. Disclosing your condition to your partner can give them an opportunity to support you and learn how to better love you, which can be strengthening for your relationship. This article suggests some strategies that can help you decide when and how to disclose your mental health condition to your partner.
When to Disclose Your Mental Health Condition
These are a few suggestions for when to disclose your mental health condition to your partner, according to de Llano:
When you’re comfortable with them: Some people find it helpful to wait until they are sure of their feelings for their partner and know them well enough to determine that they’re a compassionate and supportive individual. If you’ve spent enough time with your partner to become comfortable with them, you may feel ready to disclose your condition. When you’ve come to terms with your condition: You may feel like you need to understand and process the knowledge of what you are going through on your own first. Once you’ve come to terms with your condition, you may feel better equipped to share it with a partner. When you discover your condition: Alternatively, you may prefer to share your condition with your partner from the get-go, so you have their support while you process it. This is often the case for people who are already in a long-term relationship when they discover their condition. When the condition becomes apparent: Mental health issues can unfold or reveal themselves at any time in a relationship. Your partner may notice changes in your behavior and ask you about them. Or, something may happen when you’re with them. While you may not be able to discuss your condition when your symptoms are severe, you can have the conversation with your partner afterward when you feel better. When you need support: On the other hand, if your symptoms become severe, you may choose to disclose your condition to your partner if you need their support. When other health conditions are being discussed: If you and your partner are discussing physical health conditions, you can bring up your mental health condition too. If you and your partner are building trust and communication in the relationship, then the disclosure of mental health should not be different from the disclosure of physical health.
For instance, some people may prefer to wait until the intimate connection is secure, while others may want to disclose it upfront—the timing is really up to the comfort of the person grappling with their mental health, says de Llano.
How to Disclose Your Mental Health Condition
These are some strategies that can be helpful while disclosing your mental health condition to your partner.
Tell Your Partner You’d Like to Share Something Personal With Them
Invite your partner to join you and let them know you would like to share something personal about yourself with them. You could say: “I trust and care about you and need to tell you something important about me. This is difficult for me to share because it makes me feel vulnerable and I’d really appreciate your support. Thank you for listening and doing your best to understand." This step is known as process talk, where you’re telling your partner about the conversation to come, rather than sharing information about your condition. Process talk can help prepare your partner for the conversation ahead.
Avoid Fishing
What you want to avoid is fishing or setting your partner up, says de Llano. For instance, she says to avoid leading with questions like “How do you feel about mental health?” or “What do you think of people with X condition?” That’s a setup that can lead down the wrong path, says de Llano.
Be Direct and Honest
Tell your partner about your condition in a direct and straightforward manner. For instance, de Llano says the dialogue can be something like this: “I live with X condition. This is not who I am, but something that impacts my life. These are some of the symptoms I experience…”
Share Examples
Everyone experiences mental health conditions differently. It can be helpful to share some concrete examples of your symptoms with your partner, so they can understand your experience of the condition. For instance, you could say: “I sometimes feel so anxious that it can be difficult to function. I can’t focus on my work, and that makes me more anxious.”
Ask If They Have Questions
De Llano suggests asking your partner how they’re feeling, if they have any questions for you, and if they’re interested in learning more about your condition. This can help them participate in the conversation, clarify any questions they have about your condition, and make it easier for them to ask you follow-up questions later on. If they ask questions you don’t have answers to, don’t feel pressured to answer right away; you can express how difficult the disclosure was and ask for a reasonable time to check and get back to them to discuss further, says de Llano. If there are parts of your experience you don’t want to share, you can say “I don’t want to talk about that right now” or “I’m not comfortable talking about that yet.”
Check in With Yourself
Self-care is important at a time like this, says de Llano. She recommends taking a few moments to check in with yourself and see how you feel. If you felt challenged by the disclosure, she says it’s important to acknowledge yourself for being brave and transparent.
Practice the Conversation
If you’re feeling nervous about having this conversation with your partner, it may be helpful to plan what you’re going to say in advance and practice it either by yourself or with a close friend, family member, or therapist.
A Word From Verywell
Disclosing your mental health condition to your partner can be nerve-wracking. However, if you want to have the chance to be fully seen and more deeply understood and supported, it’s important to tell them about your condition. It’s a part of you, and over time, it can be difficult and stressful to hide from a significant other. Hopefully through courageous sharing and compassionate receiving, your partner will empathize with and support you, committing to your continued growth together. If you’re with the right person, sharing your experiences can strengthen the relationship by building trust and mutual support. There is a chance they may be uncomfortable with your mental health condition. Over time, they may become increasingly understanding with effort and care, or they may not. What’s most important is that you’re honest and loving toward yourself no matter your partner’s reaction, says de Llano.
