Ahead, learn what verbal abuse is, how to recognize it, and the steps you can take to stop it from happening.
What Is Verbal Abuse?
Verbal abuse is an interaction in which a person is harmed by the words of another. It can be overt or subtle and difficult to recognize. These are some examples of verbal abuse:
Put-downs and insults, such as name-calling Intentionally unhelpful criticism Verbal threats Gaslighting
Signs You’re Being Verbally Abused
If any of the above is occurring in one of your relationships, you are likely experiencing verbal abuse. The easiest way to tell if you’re being verbally abused is based on how you feel after your interactions with someone. If you’re engaging with another person in a healthy, affirming way, then chances are your relationship with them is a healthy one.
Understanding Intent
It’s important to note that verbal abuse can occur unintentionally. The decision to behave harmfully does not need to be present in order for someone to be abusive. For example, a person might think their words and insults are toughening you up or making you stronger. They may like you and not know how to deal with those feelings, or they may be envious of you. Or it may have nothing to do with you at all, and they happen to be a verbally abusive person. But, again, the intent is not relevant to the outcome in this situation.
How to Handle Verbal Abuse
Let’s look at how to deal with verbal abuse, whether a person is trying to harm you intentionally or it’s the result of their actions despite it not being their intent. There are a number of ways to handle verbal abuse. It’s helpful to start with the first step here, and continue moving through them as needed.
Call Out Abusive Behavior
The first and most important step to take when you are being verbally abused is to name it out loud. This should be done directly with the person if it is safe for you to do so. If the person verbally abusing you is in a position of power over you, such as your boss, it might not be safe to call it out to them directly. In that case, you’ll want to discuss it with a neutral party who is safe, such as a supervisor or other superior who is not your boss. You can say things such as:
“When you say xx, it hurts my feelings.““That statement about xx is hurtful"“That comment you just made doesn’t sit well with me"“When you say xx, I feel criticized unnecessarily.““Comments like xx make me feel bad about myself.““That comment makes me feel ashamed.““I don’t like it when you talk to me like that.”
When calling out verbal abuse, you’ll want to be very clear with the person who has hurt you. Letting them know what they said, how it made you feel and why it wasn’t an acceptable exchange.
Use Clear Language to Demand That the Behavior Stop
It may be tempting to speak gently when asking for abuse to stop, especially if you are afraid of repercussions. Your best bet, though, is to be clear and firm in your request. “I need you to stop saying xx because it makes me feel yy” is a good example of a clear way to communicate that you want the verbally abusive behavior to stop. Calling it out could be an emotional or upsetting experience for them, making it all the more vital that you are in a safe situation and not at risk of bodily harm, losing your job, or anything else.
Don’t Engage With the Abuse
When someone is nasty to us, it’s natural to want to be mean back. This will only serve to escalate verbal abuse, and it will give your abuser a reason to accuse you of being the abusive one. Since you don’t want that, do your best to not engage directly with the abuse.
Remain Calm, If Possible
It’s tough when someone is provoking us to remain calm. But that’s the best way to deal with an abusive person since you being upset (or even emotional) can escalate the situation. If you aren’t sure how to stay calm, you can take deep breaths when engaging with this person, to calm you down before you speak.
Set Firm Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t just a matter of telling someone they can’t behave a certain way towards you. In order for boundaries to be effective at changing behavior, whether your own or anyone else’s, there needs to be consequences attached to them. Setting firm boundaries with clear, simple consequences is an important next step when you are dealing with verbal abuse. One example is, “If you speak to me like that again I will leave.” Another would be. “I don’t want to be called names. If you call me a name again, I won’t talk to you anymore.”
Enforce Those Boundaries
When setting boundaries, do not choose any consequences you aren’t fully prepared to stick to. Boundaries are meaningless if they aren’t enforced. When your boundary is crossed, do your best to remain calm as you explain the situation. An example of how to do this is, “I told you that if you talked to me like that again I would leave. Since you just did what I asked you not to, I need to go now.” Actually leaving after saying that, even if the person asks or begs you not to go, is imperative for your boundary to have meaning.
What to Do If Verbal Abuse Doesn’t Stop
In a perfect world, the act of letting someone know their behavior is hurtful to you would be enough to make it stop for good. Unfortunately, this often isn’t the case. Verbal abuse may continue even if you call it out, remain calm, request it not happen, and set and enforce boundaries around it. Here are your options for what to do in that case.
Walk Away
In the moment of the verbal abuse happening again despite your attempts to make it stop, if you have the option of physically leaving the situation, you should take it. You don’t need to drive off and go home if the circumstances don’t allow for it, but at the very least, you should remove yourself from the other person by taking a short walk. You want to do all you can to remain calm and not engage. However, when you return to the situation, try not to engage with the person again.
End the Relationship If Possible
When boundaries and walking away have had no effect on verbal abuse, if possible, you can simply end the relationship. It might be more difficult to end this if the person verbally abusing you is at your workplace or lives with you. But if it’s a partner, friend, acquaintance, or anyone else that your life or livelihood isn’t depending on, be clear that you are unable to move forward with the relationship due to the verbal abuse.
Seek Help
If you can’t end a relationship with a verbal abuser because of circumstances beyond your control, or if the abuser won’t leave you alone and proceeds to harass or stalk you after you end the relationship, you’ll want to involve outside help. Verbal abuse is a legitimate and real form of abuse, so seeking help from an abuse organization can guide you in the most appropriate direction. Day One Hotline is one provider of phone help for victims of verbal abuse. That’s Not Cool also has a 24-hour hotline, and can guide you to other organizations if they aren’t the right fit. You deserve to be safe from verbal abuse, so be sure to reach out for help if needed. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
