Know Your Emotional Needs
An emotional need “is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, and, when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration,” says clinical psychologist and author Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD. Some of these needs include affection, conversation, honesty and openness, and family commitment. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist and professor who specializes in helping clients face relationships issues, work or academic stress, and life transitions. She suggests a four-step process, using the mnemonic STOP, for thinking about your own emotional needs. This process comes from the field of dialectical behavior therapy.
Fulfill Your Own Needs
Understand that you are in a relationship to bond with your spouse, to share events—big or small—and to build a life together. “When we have an expectation that a husband or wife fulfill us, we set ourselves up for disappointment, because no human being can satisfy another human being,” says Mark Altrogge, a pastor at an Indiana church and creator of the relationship website The Blazing Center. “To hope that another human can meet our needs is asking too much of anyone.” Romanoff suggests being alert to when you tend to reach out for others to fulfill your needs. For many people, this might be when you are bored, lonely, or anxious or otherwise need to regulate your emotions. “Once you identify your triggers, you can begin to reduce your dependence on others in these situations,” says Romanoff. “If you delay reaching out, you could strengthen your own internal resources to process difficult emotions, for example by journaling, exercising, taking a warm shower, or another relaxing activity.” Depending on a partner to meet your needs is not only difficult for them; it’s also holding you back. “By reflexively reaching out to others to meet your needs, you are reinforcing the idea that you are not capable of caring for yourself in these difficult moments,” says Romanoff. “It is important to prove to yourself that you are stronger than you think you are.”
Help Meet Your Partner’s Needs
While self-soothing is important, you can still help your partner meet their needs in a healthy, non-codependent way, says Romanoff. Strive to be of help when your partner asks for it. “This will help strengthen the relationship, as it will be based on intentional and purposeful connection instead of neediness or expectations that your partner can read your mind.” Consider what your partner wants and values: Is it a home-cooked meal? A special dinner at a fancy restaurant or a quick burger at a fast-food eatery? Fixing that leaky faucet or loose door handle? An affirming word or affection gesture?
Talk About Your Emotional Needs
Once you are in the mindset of being a loving and giving partner, you can then start to advocate for your own needs—but you have to be careful about how you go about it. This effort to understand and willingness to give is key to a good relationship, and ultimately, to have your own needs met. When you want your spouse to perform some kind of action to magically meet your needs, you are really asking for them to change, says Barton Goldsmith, PhD, a psychotherapist and author, and that’s a nearly impossible request. Instead, be direct. “Ask for what you need,” says Goldsmith. “Do you want change, understanding, or compatibility? Whatever your need, asking for it directly will greatly improve your chances of getting it.” In order to be direct, you have to be clear in your own mind about what you need. “Once you are able to self-reflect, sit with your emotions on your own, and understand what you need, you will be more able to communicate what you would like from your partner,” says Romanoff. “Oftentimes what we need the most is to have a partner who is willing to be more accessible, emotionally receptive, and engaged,” says Romanoff. That means being emotionally present during difficult situations.
A Word From Verywell
If your partner knows that you care for them and will be there for them through big things and small, they are much more likely to reciprocate. Having your emotional needs met starts with sharing and caring for your partner. A person who feels loved, cared for, and appreciated is far more likely to reciprocate in kind. When partners are meeting each other’s needs, they are likely to spend time together and to share details of their lives with one another. They both feel valued and validated in the relationship.
