Whether you’re working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Al-Anon, or any other program, step 8 can be humbling, but it can also lead to growth. The eighth step involves making amends with others who may have been harmed by your alcohol or drug use. This step is a chance to grow and improve your relationships with your friends and loved ones—which will only help you going forward in your recovery. The goal of this step is to end isolation from others. Not only is this an appealing goal, but it also targets one of the reasons why people often drink. You’ll notice that the term “God” is used in the original 12 steps, and God is referred to as “he.” Today, these terms are redefined in whatever ways fit the person using them. For instance, some people substitute the word God for Allah, Jehovah, Yahweh, or Higher Power, as well as remove the masculine pronoun.
How It Works
If you’ve completed your 4th step inventory, you’ll likely have most of your list. However, like most of the 12 steps, this is not necessarily a one-time event. It is a process that continues to unfold as more is revealed. The list usually begins with friends and family you have harmed and, as recovery continues, grows to include others like neighbors and coworkers. For many Al-Anon members, the first person on their list is a relative with an alcohol use disorder. As they begin to put the focus on themselves and do their own inventory, many discover they owe amends to the family member in their lives with an alcohol problem who they’ve blamed for all of their family’s problems.
Categorizing Your List
When creating your list, you need to include all people you may have hurt during active alcohol or drug use. Once you create this list (which may turn out longer than you expect), separate the names into one of four categories:
Make amends to nowMake partial amends toMake amends to laterMay never be able to make direct personal contact
Becoming Willing
When you become “willing” to make the amends necessary, you don’t actually have to “do” anything in the way of amends just yet. But you do have to be honest with yourself. As you continue to compile your list, ask yourself the following questions:
Were you kind, tolerant, and considerate of others?Were you mean spirited, impatient, and selfish?What were your motives when dealing with family members, friends, and co-workers?Were you only concerned with getting what you wanted and not with what was right?Did you pour out self-pity on those from whom you thought you could extract sympathy?
By asking yourself these questions, you will be able to form a more complete list of those to whom you can make amends now or in the future.
Seeking Extra Help
For some people, step 8 can increase negative self-talk and emotions and bring on cravings of alcohol or drugs. If this happens, it’s important to seek help. Whether a friend or family member, sponsor, or mental health professional, lean on someone who can support you as you work through the steps and avoid relapse.
A Word From Verywell
Like every part of a 12-step program, step 8 takes commitment as you journey toward lasting recovery. Step 8 forms the base for all future relationships with ourselves and others; if we can let go of our previous hurts to others, we can begin a new facet of sobriety. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
